Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Exercise vs. Lesli's Lazy Butt

Every morning I wake up. For me it's no small feat. I love to sleep. So every morning I wake up, begrudgingly and think I should workout. I think, I really need to get up and get going and get some sort of exercise in. Then I think, I love sleep. I am so cozy. I'll go later. Skipping one day won't hurt me. Then the defense and the prosecution go to trial in my head. And that's been the standard morning practice for a very long time. Only in the past month there's been an addendum added to my morning opening arguments. It's the star witness in my Exercise vs. Lesli's Lazy Butt case. It's this little voice that says, you're tired of being fat. You don't get healthy by laying in bed. You aren't going to lose weight by laying there. If you don't do it now you won't do it. YOU NEED TO GET UP AND JUST DO IT. So maybe the little voice becomes a big voice by the last statement. But for the first time, I've been listening. I have been getting up and going for a walk/run. It's funny because everyday it gets a little better. I spend less time on closing arguments. The verdict more often than not is that the settlement is awarded to exercise.

Something that helps me is setting little goals. I am in a wedding next Sunday and then I am going on a week cruise. I can choose to be careful with what I eat and to work out daily. I know I won't be Kate Moss by the cruise but I can at least put forth my best effort to look as good as I can by then. I do have to have my dress altered down 2 sizes. That's a good feeling. So my extra motivation this week is, you want to look good for the wedding and you want that dress to look as good as possible. When I set really big goals I find myself getting overwhelmed and then I end up failing. So I'm taking a new approach. Small goals. It's a lot easier to think of things in terms of losing 1 pound per week than 75 pounds. So for this week I am going to focus on the cruise and this weeks goal. And I'm going to make sure I get out of bed every morning. :) 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It's Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life

My mantra today is "It's just a bad day, not a bad life." Today I feel like a failure. We all have these days. The days where nothing you do is right. Where it seems like one error after another. And just when you think it can't get worse, something else happens. Today feels like one of those days.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. When I let others or especially myself down I take it really hard. The Stripped Challenge results came in and I apparently failed. Yes, I am taking it hard but mostly because I feel like I let myself down. This news came only after I had a list of other things I "failed" at come up. So I guess it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I am the most upset because I really feel like I let myself down. I didn't give 100% to the Stripped Challenge and because of that I didn't succeed. I have no one to blame but myself. I am just really disappointed in myself. The funny thing is I was actually stoked this morning. I did my 2 miles and I shaved 23 seconds off my mile time. I ran longer than I have yet and I wasn't in any pain. This was a positive in my day. I'm not one for pity parties and I try not to stay down for long but today, today I feel overwhelmed. The only thing I can do is take today's let down's and try to harness them into something good. Use it for fuel to do better tomorrow. But for right now, for today, I'm putting on my party hat and having that pity party for one.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Interest vs. Commitment

So tonight we had our final measurements taken for the Stripped Challenge. I lost a total of 5 inches this month. It's no small feat but I feel like I could have done better. I saw this quote today and it kind of hit home:
I feel like I have only been interested when I should be committed. I worked hard this past month but not as hard as I should have. I know that some of the people doing the Stripped challenge have been super motivated and I commend them. John McDonald has been working his butt off and because of that getting the results that he's been after. Miss Emily Porter lost 10 inches on the first Stripped challenge and she was super committed and motivated. I am feeling a bit of a juxtaposition with the results I got. I am proud of myself because I am losing inches and it's finally starting to show. I have definition in my arms which I have never had before. I have core strength which is rad. All of the flub is tightening up. But I know I could have worked harder and tried more. I should have doubled that number. It's hard to feel good when you know you only gave it a 80% effort. I am trying not to beat myself up too much, especially since you can't change the past. I feel totally great about the changes that I am finally starting to see I just wish that I had pushed myself harder for this challenge. I feel like I let myself down a little bit, but c'est la vie. I am hoping that my interest soon becomes a commitment and that I can continue down this path to make change my body into the shape that I know it can be.

Monday, September 24, 2012

The "Guilty" Talk

Today I woke up feeling a little more back to normal. I got up, did a 2 mile walk/run. Made myself a healthy breakfast (leftover pesto chicken, egg whites, spinach, fat free feta, and a tomato), made some cupcakes and got to the grocery store. While there I found these (see below) 0 grams of sugar and a pre-made meal replacement which will be handy for those days where I am go go go. They don't have to be refrigerated which is even better cause I can take them on the road with me. Woo! I don't know about you but I am all about food convenience and anything that makes my life easier, I am all for it. I also love anything that's pre-portion controlled because it's one less thing I have to think about. There is no reason that eating healthy has to be hard. Sometimes it's gonna take a little work but hey, find shortcuts where you can.

Boot camp was cancelled so Emily and I went for a 4 mile walk on the beach. I have never understood people who worked out multiple times a day. I was like, you people are crazy. I have enough trouble getting my butt to the gym once a day let alone many times. But I am finding that more and more, I'm working out multiple times a day. Cardio in the am, boot camp in the pm. I am turning into one of those crazy people! We didn't get our measurements today so I can't give you an update but I will say my waist has been making an appearance again. Outside of actual measurements, I am feeling so much better. I am finding that exercise is a great way to boost my mood. Like Friday night I went to bed thinking, I am going to get up and go for a run/walk and get my day going right. Saturday morning my alarm went off and I thought, maybe I will just sleep. I was so cozy. Then I thought, sexy isn't gonna happen by sleeping. So I got up, put my shoes on and headed out with all those other crazy people at 7am. I got home and I felt better and I did not have to have the "guilty" talk with myself later in the day. You know that talk. The one where you talk yourself out of doing something you should have done then throughout the day the guilt creeps in and you at first try to justify it. "I worked hard this week, I deserve a day off" or "I'll just eat really good today." Then the frustration sets in and you get mad at yourself and think, "why didn't I just do it when I had the time?" Then you give up and tell yourself  "I'm only human and tomorrow is another day and I'll do better." It's a lot of weight to carry around but I'm finding I have to have those conversations less and less lately. :)

 Helpful tip: Workout where you can. I do leg lifts while I'm baking, wall push-ups while I wait for the microwave, calf raises when I'm standing around.

Friday, September 21, 2012


All of this Endeavour space shuttle excitement got me thinking. When I was a kid my Dad piled us up in our motor home and drove us out to Edwards Air Force Base to watch the space shuttle land. We stood on the roof and watched history happen. It didn't register that way then (all my brother and I cared about was the astronaut ice cream) but looking back it's pretty cool to say I've see the space shuttle land from outer space. I've seen almost every National Park in the Pacific and Central time zones. I've been white water rafting, bungee jumping, para sailing, mountain climbing and so much more thanks to my Dad. He wanted to show us the world and he did to the best of his ability. My Dad pushed me to do more than I thought I could and face my fears. He would take me to the top of a black diamond ski run, stand at the edge with me and right before he would head down he would say "See you at the bottom!" I had two choices. Ski down or walk down. Every time I would get to the bottom and he would just smile. He knew I could do it even if I didn't.  He also raised me to believe that I can do anything and that through hard work and perseverance anything is possible. Confidence is not something I struggle with very often. Self image yes, confidence no. And my confidence is not to be confused with ego. I believe in myself and I also know that no matter what God will always take care of me.

I've had a rough year and a half. But I've survived and I am no worse for the wear. It has in fact made me stronger. But the last two weeks my confidence has been shaken. I'm feeling very unsure of myself. Oddly enough the one area where I usually struggle (fitness) I am feeling more confident daily. But the rest of my life feels chaotic and messy and I am just feeling so unsure. I feel a bit lost and it's a scary feeling because I don't know how to get myself out of it. I've been praying a lot. I wouldn't be opposed if you wanted to pray for me too. :) The one thing I can control right now is my eating habits and workout routine. I find that the better choices I make the better I feel and it's helping to fuel the momentum to my confidence comeback. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to look at your life as a whole and the best way to forge ahead is to just take it in pieces. Day by day, one step at a time. I can work out. I can go for a jog. I can make healthy meals for me and Jack. I can bake cupcakes. They may seem small, mundane things but for right now they are minor victories. They are little things that will add up to a bigger thing. I just need to breath and remind myself that this is all just temporary and there is sunshine at the end of the tunnel. I mean if I can raft a class 4 rapid through the Grand Canyon I can do this. Right?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Down 2.5 Inches!

So we had our weekly weigh in yesterday for the Stripped challenge. I am proud to say that I won this week with a total loss of 2.5 inches. So for the challenge so far I am down 4 inches. Woo. It was such a good feeling and it was nice to finally see some of the hard work paying off. I have been really trying to focus on getting my eating habits in check. I've been sticking to lean proteins, fresh veggies and good carbs. Well for the most part. :) I've been the most proud of myself for not stress eating. It's been really hard but after getting measured this week I am so much more motivated to keep going and to work harder.

Life has been throwing me a lot of curve balls lately and my stress is at an all time high. I suffer from anxiety (like diagnosed get her on crazy pills anxiety) but lately as overwhelmed as I've been emotionally (hence the sporadic posts) it hasn't gotten as bad as it has before. I think that exercise is a good part of that reason. I am "stress eating" less and less and finding healthy alternatives to channel my stress. I still have my bad days. If we're being honest my life is sort of falling apart. I'm trying to hold it together but don't we all? I'm not even taking it day by day right now, I'm taking it minute by minute. I know we've all been there. I know there is hope and I know that God will carry me when I need it. This is only temporary. For the first time though, I am finding that I have a greater desire to work out when I am struggling. It's giving me a positive thing to focus on in this sea of chaos. I have something good to work towards that can't get taken away from me and it's one of the only things that the more I do it, the better I feel. It might just be my saving grace.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


"In every single thing you do, you are choosing a direction. Your life is a product of choices."
Dr. Kathleen Hall

We are all a product of the choices we have made. Good, bad or indifferent. Every moment of everyday we are making choices. You choose to get out of bed. To shower. What to wear. To go to work. To not go to work. Then there's life. Life throws us these curve balls on a daily basis. Some small and some big, but there are always life variables daily. We are lucky. We get to choose how to deal with these variables. You get to control everything. I've been thinking a lot about attitude. There are for the most part two distinct types of people in the world. The negative and the positive. I am a positive person. Yes I get down but I don't stay there for long and I try to find the good in everything, even the really shitty stuff. I don't always get to the silver lining right away but I do get there. If something bad happens it's your choice to stay angry, sad or upset. No one else can make you feel that way. It's a hard thing to accept the responsibility that comes from being your own decision maker. To take ownership that all your thoughts and actions lie solely within yourself. Because it doesn't just mean taking credit for the good decisions, it also means accepting that you made poor decisions as well. I made the decision to take the fitness and health journey as a good decision. I haven't lost the exact amount of weight I wanted to because I made some poor decisions. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or I could choose to use my prior disappointments as motivation to do better. I am choosing to use my failures as a springboard to success. It's a pretty powerful thing knowing that I have the power to shape my own destiny. My thought for all of you today is choose to do better. Choose to move forward. Choose to be happy. Take yourself wherever it is that you want to go. Use your past misses as fuel to aim for the next target. You can do it! I know I can. :)  Everyday you gotta find that PMA.....

Monday, September 10, 2012

Addicted to You

First I want to say a very Happy Birthday to me best mate Emily. :) The results are in.....after the first week of the Stripped Challenge I'm down 1.5 inches. That's actually pretty remarkable considering that I was a little loose this weekend with my diet plan. But it's definitely motivation and I'm more amped than ever to do this and to push myself as far as I can go. It feels really good to be able to do a lot of the exercises that 4 months ago I would have never thought possible. It really empowering to know that I can do over 100 push ups.

Today I was having a conversation with Nycole about addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People always equate addiction to drugs or alcohol. But addiction is a sneaky thing. It doesn't just exist within the confines of substance abuse. They say that addiction is hereditary. You are predisposed to an addictive personality. I am one of these people. Addiction runs on all sides of my family and goes back for many generations. On my Father's side my Great-Grandfather was killed by a milk truck. Which he stepped in front of because he was drunk and walking home from the bar. It's semi-funny but kinda sad. He had cirrhosis of the liver and was in bad shape. Both of my Dad's parents died of complications due to alcoholism. My Uncle died of a drug overdose. My other Uncle died of Aids but also had a drug and alcohol problem. I preface this next statement by saying that I love and respect my Father greatly. He means the world to me. But he too has had issues with alcohol. The list goes on and on in that gene line. On my Mother's side my Grandmother ran away at 16 because of her alcoholic mother only to suffer the same fate. My Grandfather went through his share of problems. My Uncle was so drunk and pilled out that he left a cigarette burning and blew himself and his trailer up. My Aunt has suffered from drug addiction. My brother is a pot head. All of that being said, it's not a death sentence. It's not a reason to be a victim. I know that I have an addictive personality. I never got into drugs because I knew that it's a very slippery slope. I love shoes. I love whiskey. I love sex. I keep these all in check at all times. It turns out though that I also have an addiction to food. It wasn't till recently though that I realized I have an addiction to food. I use it to make me feel better. It's my emotional crutch. I look for that rush of comfort and bliss when I am stressed out. It's an escape. For a moment I feel better. Till I feel worse. Then you eat another bite because you look for that rush again. Then you've eaten the whole double cheeseburger and large fries and you feel like shit. I'm a salty not a sweet person so it's all fatty sodium riddled food. I have an addiction. Fortunately (?) it only comes out when I am upset. I usually eat pretty clean and try to make good decisions. Because of this blog and Taryn and the challenge I've been trying to be a lot better. That means cutting out the emotional eating. The last few weeks it's been really hard not to get that instant "high" when I am stressed out, or sad, or angry. I am trying to replace the eating with exercise but exercise doesn't have the instant results or rush of gratification. It's been difficult. I slip, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I am learning self control and how to replace food with exercise and other non-edible outlets. I'm lucky. I caught it before it was too late but believe me I was right on the cusp and I didn't even know it. I'm grateful that God has brought people into my life to give me insight and to divert what might be my destructive path. We all have our challenges but it's how we choose to respond to those challenges that shapes who we are. I am not a victim and genetic predisposition is not an excuse to throw your life away. With the help of some pretty great people I will overcome this and I will be stronger and better for it.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Back In The Saddle Again

Today was Jack's first day of school and he's now in the 2nd grade. Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday he was a little nugget in my arms. I was listening to the Jason Ellis show on Sirius radio today and they were talking about Jessica Simpson and the baby weight that she has yet to lose. I won't get into their whole conversation (it was funny but pretty rude) but Jason made a really good point. A girl called in and said that she was overweight and it was because she was lazy and ate horribly. He told her that she needs to stop thinking of herself as a fat person because the more she tells herself that the more okay it is to be that way. He said she needs to stop being lazy, eat better and get her butt in shape. (In not quite those words.) He made a point that the women who bounce back after pregnancy and lose the weight are the women who take care of themselves and their body while they are pregnant. He was kind of jerk but he made some really good points and it got me thinking about the way I think about myself. I have to start adjusting my thinking and stop allowing myself to be fat. 

It's amazing how much eating and exercise can affect your mood. As per my last post I got a little sidetracked this weekend and up until I went to Crave today for boot camp I was in a rather unpleasant mood. But after a good dinner and a hard work out (over 100 push ups, sit ups and jump squats) I feel a lot better. I am finally starting to see and feel that connection. When I got home an counted how many push ups I did I was kinda proud of myself. 6 months ago I couldn't even do 5. I think I'm getting to the point where I can tell myself on those days that I don't want to work out that I will feel so much better if I do. And truly believe it! Ha ha. PMA everyday!

Today I made it to the grocery store and got all stocked up for the Stripped Challenge. I got lots of fresh veggies and organic fish and chicken. For dinner tonight I made the Tuscan Chicken and it was pretty good. I marinated the chicken in Walden Farms calorie free dressing and roasted them in the oven at 375 for 1/2 an hour. Steamed some green beans and put it all on top of a cup of spinach with a roma tomato and a little extra dressing. I know it's supposed to be a plated meal but after being vegan for so long, I like to eat salads so I sort of tricked my brain. :) These Walden Farm dressings are awesome. I got mine at Sprouts and they have a ton of flavors. They are a little on the higher side with sodium so use carefully. But they taste great. Highly recommended. The whole dinner was pretty yum and I'm glad that I will be able to survive on this menu. I would also like to state that I spent $60 on food for the week for 3 people. My son didn't want salad so I substituted mushroom risoto for him from Trader Joe's. I had my lovely friend Elisa make me a turkey wrap while at Sprouts and that made for a filling lunch. It was just turkey, fresh veggies, deli mustard and a little avo in a whole wheat tortilla. I try to keep reminded myself that food is not comfort, food is fuel. I have a big day tomorrow so off to bed I go....

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Summer's Over...

What a great labor day weekend. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to summer and hello to fall. First off I would like to say that Taryn was absolutely right. I gave up Diet Coke last week and in 4 days I dropped a 1/2 inch from my waist and thigh. Woo! We did this beach boot camp on Saturday that kicked my butt but it was really cool that I was able to do it. It was a good weekend filled with good friends and good times and I have a truly blessed life.

We started the stripped challenge on Saturday and that made the holiday weekend a little rough. I tried to make the best decisions but stumbled a little. I got sunburned really really badly on Sunday which caused me to miss boot camp yesterday so that was really frustrating. I am going to try to do boot camp today but I have to admit I am in a lot of pain. My scalp, chest, back and arms are fried. The idea of sweating and getting hot is making me really nervous right now. I feel like I should at least go and try though because I need to push myself as hard as I can even though it would be so much easier to sit on the couch painless. All I can do is try right?

I had a bad day today and it's hard to not just disappear into junk food and my bed. I know that working out will make me feel better. I know that it's what I need to do to meet my goals. I didn't walk yesterday because sunlight is excruciating and I know that I need to get some sort of workout. I really wish I was one of those people that loves working out and that I didn't have to push myself. I know that the more I exercise the better I will be and the more my body will crave it. It's just hard waiting for that to kick in. All I can do is keep trying everyday. Weight loss is a marathon not a sprint. 

Tomorrow morning I will be going to the grocery store and getting myself prepared for the challenge. I'm just trying to make it through the end of today.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I'm A Machine

Today was a win. I feel like I'm back to hitting my stride. Got up, walked/jogged 2 miles (still at 20 min miles) and made a healthy breakfast. We are going to call my standard breakfasts the Lesli scramble so I don't have to write it out every time. It's super easy. Here's the recipe:
Lesli Scramble
2 Crimini mushrooms (any kind will do)
2.5 cups of baby spinach
4 egg whites
1 Roma tomato
1 tbs Parmesan cheese
Cooking Spray

Spray a small skillet with cooking spray and heat on medium. Slice mushrooms and saute in pan until tender. (about 3 min) Add spinach and heat through. Add egg whites and scramble. Remove from heat and add Parmesan. Slice tomato and put on top or the side.

See? So easy! You can make them ahead of time and freeze as well. I usually add 8 oz of Naked Juice Green Machine.

For lunch I had a Caesar salad with 4 oz of grilled chicken breast. The dressing was egg and anchovy free. Dinner was steak salad. Mixed greens, pan seared steak (6oz) lite Caesar dressing, some shaved parm, diced tomato and avocado with some fresh squeezed lemon. So good and so easy. I stole the recipe from Taryn! Shhhh.....

Here comes the best part. Tonight at boot camp I ran. Well fast jogged. For a whole trip around the block! (I didn't run in front of the bar down the street due to my previous post.) I was super stoked on myself. I actually had a good/hard workout. I am super amped that I have more energy and I know it's not a coincidence that it happened at the same time that I am working out more, eating better and cutting out all the processed crap. I am in a better mood. It's so funny. We tell ourselves that what we're doing is good enough or that the extra fries or shake aren't going to make a difference but they totally do. I feel lighter body and soul. Weird. :)

Just a helpful tip, I find it easier to stay on track when I track my calories. I know, I know. Who has the time, I don't want to know, I hate counting calories. BUT......it really does help and this comes from a former anti-counter. I use the Daily Plate from www.livestrong.com because you can track just about anything and they have a whole fitness tracker. It's not entirely exact (If it says spinach has 1 gram of fat use your noggin) but use common sense and you'll be fine. For instance today I consumed 1350 calories today and burned 1270. If that doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't know what will. :) Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that I was a kick ass machine and that feels pretty good.

She's Tricky

Today was a success! Got up early and went for a walk. Had egg whites with spinach, mushrooms, a Roma tomato and a tbs of shaved Parmesan. Tofurky and soy cheese sandwich on an Orowheat multigrain sandwich thin with a handful of fat free pretzels. Fear not, I have tiny hands so it was like 6. Dinner at Gypsy Den was a turkey melt with tomato, Mediterranean salad and a tiny scoop of sweat potato salad to taste. It was all so good. I had water and just a small taste of an Italian soda that the manager made me. I have re-motivated myself and I am stoked! I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friend Tori's wedding that I ordered a size smaller than what I measured at 3 months ago and it fit perfectly. That's awesome because hopefully by the time we set sail on October 21st I will have had to have had it re-sized. 

Today was also my first day not having Diet Coke. As we all know I love Diet Coke and the idea of giving it up makes my soul cry. But I have decided to trick my brain and use reverse psychology on myself. You see I drink Jack and Diet's when I am out. If I give up Diet Coke I have nothing to drink my Jack with and I will not be able to order it. I am in fact cockblocking myself from well...myself. I'm pretty tricky. Ha ha. It was a tough day and I just felt tired from the lack of processed crap.

I am also going to try something new. They say that it takes 21 days to create a habit. So if you do something every day for 21 days you can create a habit. Taryn has informed me that in order to do well in the stripped challenge I need to up my cardio. So I am going to add cardio into my regimen everyday for 21 days with the hopes that by the end of the 21 days it will be a happy habit instead of a grueling chore. 

Apparently I was so tired from the detoxing and good behavior that I feel asleep in the middle of writing this last night!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Down the Rabbit Hole

I haven't had my kitchen for almost 2 weeks due to some technical difficulties. It's really hurt my waistline, bank account and goals. I have had to eat out for almost every meal for two weeks and it's completely caught up with me. I feel bloated and puffy and just weighed down. I tried to make good choices but you can't control food that other people make. Finally today I was able to go to the grocery store and I am super stoked. After boot camp I had chicken tacos made with a roasted skinless chicken breast, whole wheat tortillas, lettuce, tomato, peach salsa (so yum!) and a little avocado. For the first time in two weeks I could actually control everything I was eating. I got eggs so for breakfast I can have egg whites with spinach, tomatoes and mushrooms. Sandwich thins for Tofurky and soy cheese sandwiches with fruit for lunch. Dinner this week is steak salad with lots of veggies and fat free Caesar dressing, veggie burgers and steamed veggies, and stir fry with brown rice. I am actually pumped to eat well. I think it's going to help me both physically and mentally. I always try to think of food as fuel and the higher the octane the better the performance. I also need to start detoxing because the Stripped Challenge starts this weekend and because this weekend I didn't just fall off the wagon I took a flying leap.
Tonight when Taryn took my measurements she asked me if I had been bad or good this weekend. I am pretty sure she knew the answer. All of my stats today were exactly the same as they were last week. I had to be honest with her and I have to be honest with all of you and most importantly I have to be honest with myself. I failed this weekend. I not so secretly reunited with my ex Jack Daniels and made some really really poor food choices. I didn't exercise. I basically fell down the fatty rabbit hole. It's really frustrating and really disappointing and the worst part is I have no one to blame but myself. The bottle said "Drink Me" and the cookie said "Eat Me" and so I did and for the weekend all of my goals were topsy turvey. Somehow I found myself mid weekend at the mad tea party with The Mad Hatter and it was chaos. A very unmerry unbirthday to my waistline. It's totally bizarre because I could feel my conscience telling me what the right choices were but for whatever reason I completely ignored it. For instance, I was at Walgreen's with Emily on Saturday and I wasn't hungry but yet I got a bag of BBQ potato chips (single serving) and ate them. I have no idea why, I don't even really like chips. I don't know if I was stressed or anxious or what. It was really weird and after I ate them I thought, why the eff did I do that? Curiouser and curiouser. I really wish that at some point during my adventure in Wonderland that I had run into the Queen of Hearts and she would have taken off my head. This morning when I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror it was like looking through the looking glass at someone other than myself. I was disappointed and frustrated and just felt like some fun house version of myself. All I can do is wake up, chalk it up to a bad dream and move forward. And hope that there's a little caterpillar on my shoulder to give me good advice.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today was a tough day. Like really tough. I had intended to accomplish all these tasks today. This morning I went to breakfast with Nycole and while there I had something happen that was totally unexpected and in less than 3 seconds my day was turned upside down. Let me give you a little back story. When I was 18 I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. I'm not going to get into all the details right now. It's not up for political or moral debate. I made the best decision possible for my son and I do not regret my decision. I gave him the best life that I could and recognizing that I was not in a place to raise a child is the greatest act of love I could have given him. It was an open adoption and I have known the adoptive mother since I was 14. I have only seen him once since the adoption and he was 2. He is now 15 years old and today I saw him and his adoptive mom while I was sitting there ordering my breakfast. My face went white and I felt like I was going throw up. I told Nycole we had to get our food to go, threw some money on the table and bolted to my car. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon trying to work through all my emotions on Nycole's couch. There's a lot of emotion that comes with the entire situation and let's just say 15 years of buried emotions came to the surface in under 3 seconds. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my couch trying to work through my everything I was feeling so alas nothing got accomplished. Honestly usually I would have eaten my emotions but fortunately (?) I had no appetite. I really didn't want to go to boot camp. Not gonna lie. But I thought that not going would make me feel guiltier and maybe working out my emotions would be better than eating them. So I went to boot camp and it was a good workout till we had to jog on a main street and then do 50 jumping jacks. I was so self conscious about my breasts and I got really discouraged. When I did the jumping jacks it was not only painful but embarrassing. Taryn sort of made a joke about it (and it was said out of jest and love not malice) and it took all the fight in me to just finish them. By the time I started the 2nd leg of jogging I was fighting back tears and chose to walk. That made me feel worse because I felt like I was letting myself down. Days like this it's really hard not to give up. Feeling so self conscious and intimidated it would be so much easier to quit and not go through the emotional and physical pain. But I am digging down as deep as I can to find my inner fight. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and I have to trust that this all a part of his master plan. Tomorrow will be a better day. But for tonight I am throwing in the towel.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Codename:Cake Pop

Let's just say that this weekend was super fun! Friday night was 80's night in Long Beach and all of the gym girls dressed up in full 80's attire and we rocked out. Now if you remember Taryn gave me the lock down and as of this morning I am breaking up with Jack Daniels. Le sigh. So I definitely broke up with my love in style this weekend. Saturday I got to see this really cool art show in LA and then it was off to see The Gabba Gabba Hey's who are this rad Ramone's cover band. I ate much better this weekend. Grilled fish tacos Friday night, veggie sushi Saturday night and an egg white omelette and veggie lasagna on Sunday. There was a little gourmet cheese and crackers Sunday afternoon but I'm not going to split hairs about it. At exactly 11:59 last night I had my last Jack Daniels. It's vodka soda city for this girl. Jack will be reserved for cheat days. Now in case you all are wondering, I do not drink everyday. In fact during the week I only drink water and one Diet Coke a day (that is the next beverage to be 86'd out of my life.) But I have a very social calendar and I do end up out on the weekends quiet a bit. So it's time to start making better choices.

So here's the frustrating part of today. My clothes are a little looser, I looked noticeably thinner according to Taryn, and basically my measurements stayed the same. Arms:15, Waist:50, Hips:50 and Thigh:24. I lost another inch in my legs. So at this rate I'm going to end up looking like a cake pop. Skinny ass legs and a round belly. It's kind of frustrating. So again the weight is coming off but from really weird places like my thigh and my feet. You hear that? My feet! I've gone down 1/2 a shoe size. That's exactly what every girl wants to hear...my what skinny feet you have. Sheesh. I keep telling myself that it's going to start coming off and that all my hard work is going to pay off but I lost a little wind out of my sail today. But tomorrow is a new day and the choice I make is to use this to propel myself forward and to fight harder. I want to make cake pops, not be one.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

Success! I made it on my walk this morning and guess who has two thumbs and jogged this morning? That's right! This girl. Granted it wasn't for very long but it's a start! So I jogged/walked for 2 miles this morning doing a 20 minute mile. As I was walking I my legs and arches of my feet started to really hurt. I don't have pain when I walk in my 6 inch wedges so why was walking in sneakers hurting? Then it occurred to me. It's my shoes! I need to get a new pair. So between my worn out shoes and my falling apart workout clothes I came to the realization that I need new gear. To be successful at anything you have to have the right tools and this is definitely no exception. Now anyone that knows me knows about my love of shoes. So this was a double bonus! Since I don't have a whole lot to spend I did some research and after trying on some different pairs I went with the Nike Revolutions. They are moderately priced, got great reviews and felt really good. When I get some more money saved I will go over to A Snail's Pace and have myself custom fitted but till then these will seem like a pretty good fit. I also went to Old Navy and stocked up on pants and shirts. I know it's totally chickish but I was actually excited to work out and try out my new gear! (Hey wherever you can find motivation!)

I got measured today (yes I know it's not Monday) and it was good and bad. As of today here are my stats:
Arms: 15, Waist: 50, Hips: 50 and Thighs: 25.
I stayed the same everywhere but I went down an inch in my thighs and according to Taryn we tend to "punctuation" weight in our arms and bellies. So the inch in the thighs shows that it's working and for as off track as I've been the last few days at least I stayed the same. Yes I know I need to up my expectations.

Tonight folks Taryn broke my heart. Now, as previously mentioned, I love whiskey. It makes me happy. She told me tonight that we have to break up. That's my love Jack is no good for me and that it's creating extra weight. If that wasn't enough she had to kick me while I was down and told me I have to give up Diet Coke. Le sigh. I need to listen to her because deep down I know she's right, but sometimes us girls just love those bad boys. She told me I have to switch to vodka soda. And silly me, I tried to negotiate but even though she's tiny Taryn held her ground. We did negotiate the terms of our divorce though. I have till Sunday to break it off with Diet Coke and Jack Daniels. Eventually it will become that ex boyfriend that we occasionally see just to remind ourselves why we broke up and to let them know we are better off without them. But until Sunday I am gonna love the eff out of my bad for me whiskey.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Everyday Find That PMA

So on Thursday's and every other Tuesday I host pub trivia's sponsored by my baking company. Thursday's are at Johnny's Saloon in HB and Tuesday's are at the Gypsy Den in Santa Ana. It's a blast and if you're ever around you should come down and get your nerd on! It's all different kinds of trivia so you don't have to be a super smarty pants to play.  Today was a Gypsy Den day. Since trivia starts at 7 I can't do boot camp on trivia days. Knowing this and knowing how disappointed I was with myself after the weekend I got up and went for an hour walk with Nycole. Had some whole wheat toast with natural peanut butter for breakfast. We went to this cool restaurant in Long Beach for lunch called The Crooked Duck and I had some brie with fresh fruit and half a tuna sandwich on whole wheat.

The thing I love about Gypsy Den trivia is they give us a tab so we get to eat really good food for free while we host a really cool trivia. So we had a well portioned Mediterranean hummus plate with lots of fresh veggies. I had a Mediterranean side salad and pita filled with spinach, red peppers and goat cheese. I got a 1/4 of the way in and realized I hated the pita. But our favorite manager Phil took great care of me and got me something else instead. I ended up with a Caprese wrap (whole wheat tortilla with fresh spinach, tomatoes, fresh mozzarella and balsamic) which was amazing. Clearly I was in the mood for Mediterranean this evening.  I ate half of each and took the rest home for lunch tomorrow. I did have some Stone smoked porter but that's just because I was nervous cause I do all the MC'ing for trivia. Something I learned is that beer makes me feel very full and isn't really worth the calories. See doing trivia makes you smarter!

It wasn't an optimal eating day but it was leaps and bounds ahead of yesterday. Sometimes after you get back on the wagon you still hit some bumps in the road when you start your journey again. All I can do is make even better decisions in the morning. It's my goal to get up in the morning and go for a walk. Tomorrow will be a better day. Gotta have a PMA (positive mental attitude) cause a positive outlook is half the battle.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Failure Is Not An Option

So let's just say that this weekend was an epic success on fun. Great friends, good times and lots of laughter. It was also an epic fail. I did not make it to boot camp on Saturday and although it's not because I was hungover I was still disappointed in myself for oversleeping. I did not get any exercise in outside of the occasional booty shaking to a good song. I tried to bring along healthy eating options but ate the junk as well. I am feeling a bit disappointed in myself. And by a bit, I mean a lot.

I know this will be TMI but I did get my monthly punctuation yesterday and after almost 12 months of not getting it, it's a good/bad thing. With my PCOS my periods are very painful, gnarly and uncomfortable. And completely unpredictable. I know I am not alone with the suffering but it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I feel like someone kicked me in my back and I am exhausted and in extreme pain. I am sharing this very personal information with you because I missed boot camp tonight and I was really looking forward to going. It's really frustrating to know that you effed up over the weekend and you cannot claim your redemption. Me getting it is also good because that means that the extra weight and fat the I have been carrying is decreasing. I wish I could give you this week's pictures and stats but it will have to wait till Wednesday. Sorry kids.

I did go for a short walk to try to at least get some cardio in and in the hopes it would help with the pain. It made me feel a little better but not a whole lot. So tonight as I write this I am pretty bummed. Usually this is the part of the story where I give up. But this time I will fight harder and I will be stronger. I will not give up. And even though I have tripped and landed on my face I'm going to pick myself up and dust myself off. You only fail when you stop trying.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Whiskey River

So yesterday was a super crazy day with cupcakes and kids and life. Every Thursday night I run a pub trivia at my friend Johnny's bar. So there wasn't a moment to stop. I ate well all day even though I was go go go. I was in such a hurry though that I forgot to eat dinner. (This kids is called foreshadowing.) There weren't enough teams to play so we ended up hanging out with our friends and sharing some adult beverages. Now folks, there are three things I drink. Whiskey, water and Diet Coke. As I was sitting at the bar talking with Nycole and drinking my Jack Daniels, I looked at myself in the mirror behind the bar. And folks something awesome happened. I didn't hate my face! I didn't look the other way. I was actually stoked that I didn't look like I had the mumps. It was a really cool moment. It's been a while since I could face myself in the mirror in public. Yay! Well as the night progressed so did the cocktails. We went to my friends bar in downtown HB and it just went from bad to worse and before I knew it I was up to my eyeballs in IHOP. That's not really on the Spartan challenge training menu. This is why you shouldn't go out on an empty stomach. A. There was so much more room for alcohol and B. by the end of the night I was starving. I am not proud of what I ate. I did not make smart choices. Junky food seems to taste like shame in the morning. So it was a long night which made for a long day today. I did not go for a walk this morning. I tried not to get down on myself and all I can do is make better choices today. I had Native Foods for lunch and although I did have sweet potato fries (hangover=grease=feel better) I tried to eat as clean as I could. I am going downtown to meet up with some friends and yes I will be partaking in a little hair of the dog but I am eating a good dinner before I go and limiting my beverage intake. I have boot camp in the morning and since I will be with Taryn tonight I don't have an excuse to get out of it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

So thanks to last nights Buffalo "ficken" wings I did not sleep very well last night. I woke up tired and did not go for a walk like I wanted to. I was feeling mad at myself for not pushing but I got a last minute cupcake order so it actually worked out for the best. The universe is funny like that. I am however very proud of myself for my meal choices today. Despite my wanting to shove my face full of crap due to some residual negative Nellie's lingering around my brain, I made choices I am proud of. Yes there's a lot of spinach. Yes there's a lot of tomatoes. I didn't make it to the grocery today. Don't judge.
Here's today's menu:
Breakfast: 4 egg whites, 2 cups of fresh spinach, 1 medium Roma tomato and a 8 oz glass of Naked Juice Green Machine.
Lunch: 3 cups of fresh spinach, 1 serving Trader Joe's Chickenless stips, 1 medium Roma tomato, a small palm full of almonds, 2 hard boiled egg whites, 1 tbs lemon olive oil and 1 tbs vanilla fig balsamic.Oh and a Diet Coke. I refuse to give it up. I will not feel sorry about it.
Snack: Orowheat multigrain sandwich thin with a couple pieces of Tofurky and a little Dijon mustard.
Dinner: 3 cups of fresh spinach, 1 serving of Buffalo "ficken" wings, 1 medium Roma tomato, sprinkle of low fat Feta and a splash-ish of Ranch dressing. (Ok I know the Ranch is bad but it's all I had. Again don't judge)

I use the Livestrong Daily Plate tracker so today's totals: 1273 calories eaten. 54 grams of fat (The Ranch killed me.) 813 calories burned. 144 ounces of water. 

Now I am sure that you have noticed I eat a lot of "ficken" and "feat". I have been a vegan for the last 2 and a half years. I know you're looking around for my soap box. I became a vegan out of health concerns not political agendas. Yes I believe in recycling and proper animal treatment but for me it's not a PETA thing. Over the last 2 months I have slowly incorporated back in lean meats to my diet (and yes sometimes after a night of adult beverages some Del Taco has crossed these lips) but I try to keep it to a minimum and use as much meat alternative products as possible. High cholesterol runs in my family so I try to be as green as I can and buy as local as I can. I try to be kind to my body and the Earth.

I did boot camp tonight and it was tough but it was good. I can feel myself getting stronger. Even if you only do 1 more push-up than before it's still progress. I went a little overboard yesterday and reactivated a knee injury so I didn't walk after class. I am sore which means it was a kick ath work out. Thanks Taryn! Now I'm going to finish watching Honey Boo Boo because I'm told laughter works those abs....

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Rome Wasn't Built In Two Days Either

Alright, so I am not going to lie. I was feeling a bit grumpy and was totally going to ditch out on boot camp tonight. I had this amazing plan to eat crap food and watch crap T.V. and just totally junk out myself body and soul. My whole drive home from running errands I had convinced myself and proclaimed my glorious plan to my friend Nycole. Then right as I was about to drop her off I uttered the words...I think I am going to boot camp. This tiny little voice inside my head said "blog." Oh yeah, I would have to publicly tell everyone that I had failed today. Pride out won my laziness and I had my partner in crime Emily pick me up.
Emily, Me, Nycole

Upon arriving at boot camp it was clear that we were all in a less than stellar mood. Then Taryn surprised us (Yay!) that we were going to do our first mini spartan workout! So exciting! (Insert sarcasm here) Run, jump, plank, run, squat. Truth I walked instead of ran thanks to some "sports" injuries but it was rough. In fact I was pretty discouraged. Today made me realize that I have a lot farther to go and I have a tough road ahead of me. It's hard to remember how far I have come in the last 2 months when I feel like I have to start all over. Another discouraging thing was that as part of our walk/run we had to go by the bar around the corner from Crave. As I walked by there were some jack asses that looked like men and of course they had to comment on my bust which of course made me self conscious. After boot camp Emily and I went for a walk and came home. The first thing I wanted to do was shove food in my mouth to relieve some of the negative feelings. I had corn dogs and buffalo chicken wings but fear not. As a compromise with myself they were Morning Star Veggie products. I also had salad and some lowfat mac and cheese. Not the best things I could have eaten, I know. I had egg whites and wheat toast for breakfast, a tofurkey sandwich on a multigrain sandwich thin for lunch and a couple slices of tofurkey and soy cheese for a snack so I am calling the whole day a wash. Tomorrow I'll work on a better way to address my negative body image and how I feel. For now I'm going to paint my nails and watch that crap T.V.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day...

My name is Lesli and this is my blog. I own Two Birds Baking Company. I have a rad 7 year old son. I have awesome family and friends. I am overweight. I am out of shape. This is my journey into losing my fat kid and getting healthy. No gimmicks. No pills. The only bands I'll be using are resistance. Just good old fashioned hard work and clean eating.
3.4.12 We made history when we were a part of the first ever all Vegan Episode of Cupcake Wars

Starting today I began training for The Spartan Race in December.  I have never run any sort of race so of course why wouldn't I start with a death match? My friend Taryn who owns Crave Personal Training will be the Mickey to my Rocky. (Insert Eye of the Tiger here) In all fairness I have been going to "boot camp" at Crave for 2 months so I am not starting completely from scratch. But I am still very overweight and the idea of doing a 5k with 15 obstacles including barbed wire and rings of fire scares the living crap out of me. This not anything I ever even considered doing in my lifetime. Willingly entering a race with pain and misery is so not on my bucket list. But yet here I am starting this insane journey just to see if I can do it. I'm also the maid of honor in my friend Tori's wedding in October which is followed by a week long cruise to Mexico and I don't think I need to explain why I want to shed the extra fatty.

This whole weight loss things started a couple months ago when my son saw a commercial for Jenny Craig and told me I should do that because I was squishy and kinda fat. Out of the mouths of babes.... It really stung but he was right. It's hard to face myself in the mirror some days because if I can't see it then I don't have to own it. It's so easy to just buy a bigger pair of pants than face the reality that you've gained weight. Now it's time to face the music and own where I am at. They say the first step is acceptance. Every Monday I'll be updating my stats only I will be doing it in inches not pounds. I think scales were invented to torture women. For reals. I also think that shows like The Biggest Loser are a crock. We could all reach our optimum weight/health/strength levels if we lived in a bubble and worked out 6 hours a day. I am doing this day by day in the real world so you will all get to see my real life struggles up close and personal. So grab some popcorn, pull up a chair and enjoy the show.

Today's Measurements: Arms 15. Waist 50. Hips 50. Thighs 26. 
8.6.12 Post Crave Workout. I don't usually look this red and sweaty :)

Here is a little background on me. I didn't start off a fat kid. I was average build, I danced and played sports. I pretty much ate whatever I wanted. It wasn't till I was almost 11 when my flower first decided to bloom (I'm an overacheiver what can I say...) that the hormones kicked in and the composition of my body changed.  I have been fighting my body ever since. I dropped out of Ballet at 13 because my new womanly "blossoms" were becoming a nuisance (and by nuisance I mean that when I did a Pas de Chat my breasts would still be moving after my feet had stopped.) By high school I was so self conscious I was petrified to leave the house some days but it was a trying to fake it till you make it kinda thing. I was on the drill team, got good grades, (except for my freshman year but that's a whole other story) went to church and had friends. I say this because this is not your Dr. Phil poor little fat girl kinda story. I went through your average teenage ups and downs. I always felt just a little on the outside and was never comfortable in my own skin. It was in high school that I became an emotional eater. Food didn't judge. Food never let me down. Food made me feel better. (There's a reason that fat kids love cake.) But I was pretty active so I didn't really see a lot of the weight gain. After high school I stumbled for a while trying to figure things out. I eventually moved to Seattle and gained a ton of weight because I was still an emotional eater only now I wasn't an active person (rain, booze, laziness, whatevs) so I went from slightly overweight to Macy's Thanksgiving Parade float. I amassed a large collection of overalls and flannels to hide my double Frappucino figure. Which worked out cause I was in Seattle in the 90's. Upon returning home to Huntington Beach I weighed in at my top weight of 275. 275! I didn't even weigh that much when I was full term preggers! My life evened out and I worked really hard to lose all of the Seattle weight and then some. It was time to start dating and for the first time I felt genuine confidence about how I looked. Then I met the man who would be my husband and of course there's the weight gain from living together, the weight loss for the wedding, the weight gain from the baby, the weight loss after the baby, weight gain from the separation, weight loss from the separation....and I think you get the picture.

I have been on a constant roller coaster with my weight for the last 23 years. There is no worse feeling than feeling trapped in your own skin. I have PCOS and Endometriosis, which are two diseases that like to mimic Hypothyroidism. So nature is already working against me. I want to be able to run and climb stairs and go on hike's without fear. It's going to take patience, perserverance, hard work and old school hard work. The time for excuses is over. I have to face my demons head on. This is war and I'm not going to lose this time. There are going to be daily challenges but I just have to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day....