Monday, September 10, 2012

Addicted to You

First I want to say a very Happy Birthday to me best mate Emily. :) The results are in.....after the first week of the Stripped Challenge I'm down 1.5 inches. That's actually pretty remarkable considering that I was a little loose this weekend with my diet plan. But it's definitely motivation and I'm more amped than ever to do this and to push myself as far as I can go. It feels really good to be able to do a lot of the exercises that 4 months ago I would have never thought possible. It really empowering to know that I can do over 100 push ups.

Today I was having a conversation with Nycole about addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People always equate addiction to drugs or alcohol. But addiction is a sneaky thing. It doesn't just exist within the confines of substance abuse. They say that addiction is hereditary. You are predisposed to an addictive personality. I am one of these people. Addiction runs on all sides of my family and goes back for many generations. On my Father's side my Great-Grandfather was killed by a milk truck. Which he stepped in front of because he was drunk and walking home from the bar. It's semi-funny but kinda sad. He had cirrhosis of the liver and was in bad shape. Both of my Dad's parents died of complications due to alcoholism. My Uncle died of a drug overdose. My other Uncle died of Aids but also had a drug and alcohol problem. I preface this next statement by saying that I love and respect my Father greatly. He means the world to me. But he too has had issues with alcohol. The list goes on and on in that gene line. On my Mother's side my Grandmother ran away at 16 because of her alcoholic mother only to suffer the same fate. My Grandfather went through his share of problems. My Uncle was so drunk and pilled out that he left a cigarette burning and blew himself and his trailer up. My Aunt has suffered from drug addiction. My brother is a pot head. All of that being said, it's not a death sentence. It's not a reason to be a victim. I know that I have an addictive personality. I never got into drugs because I knew that it's a very slippery slope. I love shoes. I love whiskey. I love sex. I keep these all in check at all times. It turns out though that I also have an addiction to food. It wasn't till recently though that I realized I have an addiction to food. I use it to make me feel better. It's my emotional crutch. I look for that rush of comfort and bliss when I am stressed out. It's an escape. For a moment I feel better. Till I feel worse. Then you eat another bite because you look for that rush again. Then you've eaten the whole double cheeseburger and large fries and you feel like shit. I'm a salty not a sweet person so it's all fatty sodium riddled food. I have an addiction. Fortunately (?) it only comes out when I am upset. I usually eat pretty clean and try to make good decisions. Because of this blog and Taryn and the challenge I've been trying to be a lot better. That means cutting out the emotional eating. The last few weeks it's been really hard not to get that instant "high" when I am stressed out, or sad, or angry. I am trying to replace the eating with exercise but exercise doesn't have the instant results or rush of gratification. It's been difficult. I slip, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I am learning self control and how to replace food with exercise and other non-edible outlets. I'm lucky. I caught it before it was too late but believe me I was right on the cusp and I didn't even know it. I'm grateful that God has brought people into my life to give me insight and to divert what might be my destructive path. We all have our challenges but it's how we choose to respond to those challenges that shapes who we are. I am not a victim and genetic predisposition is not an excuse to throw your life away. With the help of some pretty great people I will overcome this and I will be stronger and better for it.

1 comment:

  1. The biggest step you have already taken. At least you can ackowledge your weaknesses, & work to strengthen them. I know you can! I'm here to help however I can:)~N