Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Today was a tough day. Like really tough. I had intended to accomplish all these tasks today. This morning I went to breakfast with Nycole and while there I had something happen that was totally unexpected and in less than 3 seconds my day was turned upside down. Let me give you a little back story. When I was 18 I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. I'm not going to get into all the details right now. It's not up for political or moral debate. I made the best decision possible for my son and I do not regret my decision. I gave him the best life that I could and recognizing that I was not in a place to raise a child is the greatest act of love I could have given him. It was an open adoption and I have known the adoptive mother since I was 14. I have only seen him once since the adoption and he was 2. He is now 15 years old and today I saw him and his adoptive mom while I was sitting there ordering my breakfast. My face went white and I felt like I was going throw up. I told Nycole we had to get our food to go, threw some money on the table and bolted to my car. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon trying to work through all my emotions on Nycole's couch. There's a lot of emotion that comes with the entire situation and let's just say 15 years of buried emotions came to the surface in under 3 seconds. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my couch trying to work through my everything I was feeling so alas nothing got accomplished. Honestly usually I would have eaten my emotions but fortunately (?) I had no appetite. I really didn't want to go to boot camp. Not gonna lie. But I thought that not going would make me feel guiltier and maybe working out my emotions would be better than eating them. So I went to boot camp and it was a good workout till we had to jog on a main street and then do 50 jumping jacks. I was so self conscious about my breasts and I got really discouraged. When I did the jumping jacks it was not only painful but embarrassing. Taryn sort of made a joke about it (and it was said out of jest and love not malice) and it took all the fight in me to just finish them. By the time I started the 2nd leg of jogging I was fighting back tears and chose to walk. That made me feel worse because I felt like I was letting myself down. Days like this it's really hard not to give up. Feeling so self conscious and intimidated it would be so much easier to quit and not go through the emotional and physical pain. But I am digging down as deep as I can to find my inner fight. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and I have to trust that this all a part of his master plan. Tomorrow will be a better day. But for tonight I am throwing in the towel.