The "Guilty" Talk

Today I woke up feeling a little more back to normal. I got up, did a 2 mile walk/run. Made myself a healthy breakfast (leftover pesto chicken, egg whites, spinach, fat free feta, and a tomato), made some cupcakes and got to the grocery store. While there I found these (see below) 0 grams of sugar and a pre-made meal replacement which will be handy for those days where I am go go go. They don't have to be refrigerated which is even better cause I can take them on the road with me. Woo! I don't know about you but I am all about food convenience and anything that makes my life easier, I am all for it. I also love anything that's pre-portion controlled because it's one less thing I have to think about. There is no reason that eating healthy has to be hard. Sometimes it's gonna take a little work but hey, find shortcuts where you can.

Boot camp was cancelled so Emily and I went for a 4 mile walk on the beach. I have never understood people who worked out multiple times a day. I was like, you people are crazy. I have enough trouble getting my butt to the gym once a day let alone many times. But I am finding that more and more, I'm working out multiple times a day. Cardio in the am, boot camp in the pm. I am turning into one of those crazy people! We didn't get our measurements today so I can't give you an update but I will say my waist has been making an appearance again. Outside of actual measurements, I am feeling so much better. I am finding that exercise is a great way to boost my mood. Like Friday night I went to bed thinking, I am going to get up and go for a run/walk and get my day going right. Saturday morning my alarm went off and I thought, maybe I will just sleep. I was so cozy. Then I thought, sexy isn't gonna happen by sleeping. So I got up, put my shoes on and headed out with all those other crazy people at 7am. I got home and I felt better and I did not have to have the "guilty" talk with myself later in the day. You know that talk. The one where you talk yourself out of doing something you should have done then throughout the day the guilt creeps in and you at first try to justify it. "I worked hard this week, I deserve a day off" or "I'll just eat really good today." Then the frustration sets in and you get mad at yourself and think, "why didn't I just do it when I had the time?" Then you give up and tell yourself  "I'm only human and tomorrow is another day and I'll do better." It's a lot of weight to carry around but I'm finding I have to have those conversations less and less lately. :)

 Helpful tip: Workout where you can. I do leg lifts while I'm baking, wall push-ups while I wait for the microwave, calf raises when I'm standing around.

Endeavours

All of this Endeavour space shuttle excitement got me thinking. When I was a kid my Dad piled us up in our motor home and drove us out to Edwards Air Force Base to watch the space shuttle land. We stood on the roof and watched history happen. It didn't register that way then (all my brother and I cared about was the astronaut ice cream) but looking back it's pretty cool to say I've see the space shuttle land from outer space. I've seen almost every National Park in the Pacific and Central time zones. I've been white water rafting, bungee jumping, para sailing, mountain climbing and so much more thanks to my Dad. He wanted to show us the world and he did to the best of his ability. My Dad pushed me to do more than I thought I could and face my fears. He would take me to the top of a black diamond ski run, stand at the edge with me and right before he would head down he would say "See you at the bottom!" I had two choices. Ski down or walk down. Every time I would get to the bottom and he would just smile. He knew I could do it even if I didn't.  He also raised me to believe that I can do anything and that through hard work and perseverance anything is possible. Confidence is not something I struggle with very often. Self image yes, confidence no. And my confidence is not to be confused with ego. I believe in myself and I also know that no matter what God will always take care of me.

I've had a rough year and a half. But I've survived and I am no worse for the wear. It has in fact made me stronger. But the last two weeks my confidence has been shaken. I'm feeling very unsure of myself. Oddly enough the one area where I usually struggle (fitness) I am feeling more confident daily. But the rest of my life feels chaotic and messy and I am just feeling so unsure. I feel a bit lost and it's a scary feeling because I don't know how to get myself out of it. I've been praying a lot. I wouldn't be opposed if you wanted to pray for me too. :) The one thing I can control right now is my eating habits and workout routine. I find that the better choices I make the better I feel and it's helping to fuel the momentum to my confidence comeback. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to look at your life as a whole and the best way to forge ahead is to just take it in pieces. Day by day, one step at a time. I can work out. I can go for a jog. I can make healthy meals for me and Jack. I can bake cupcakes. They may seem small, mundane things but for right now they are minor victories. They are little things that will add up to a bigger thing. I just need to breath and remind myself that this is all just temporary and there is sunshine at the end of the tunnel. I mean if I can raft a class 4 rapid through the Grand Canyon I can do this. Right?

Down 2.5 Inches!

So we had our weekly weigh in yesterday for the Stripped challenge. I am proud to say that I won this week with a total loss of 2.5 inches. So for the challenge so far I am down 4 inches. Woo. It was such a good feeling and it was nice to finally see some of the hard work paying off. I have been really trying to focus on getting my eating habits in check. I've been sticking to lean proteins, fresh veggies and good carbs. Well for the most part. :) I've been the most proud of myself for not stress eating. It's been really hard but after getting measured this week I am so much more motivated to keep going and to work harder.

Life has been throwing me a lot of curve balls lately and my stress is at an all time high. I suffer from anxiety (like diagnosed get her on crazy pills anxiety) but lately as overwhelmed as I've been emotionally (hence the sporadic posts) it hasn't gotten as bad as it has before. I think that exercise is a good part of that reason. I am "stress eating" less and less and finding healthy alternatives to channel my stress. I still have my bad days. If we're being honest my life is sort of falling apart. I'm trying to hold it together but don't we all? I'm not even taking it day by day right now, I'm taking it minute by minute. I know we've all been there. I know there is hope and I know that God will carry me when I need it. This is only temporary. For the first time though, I am finding that I have a greater desire to work out when I am struggling. It's giving me a positive thing to focus on in this sea of chaos. I have something good to work towards that can't get taken away from me and it's one of the only things that the more I do it, the better I feel. It might just be my saving grace.

Choices

"In every single thing you do, you are choosing a direction. Your life is a product of choices."
Dr. Kathleen Hall

We are all a product of the choices we have made. Good, bad or indifferent. Every moment of everyday we are making choices. You choose to get out of bed. To shower. What to wear. To go to work. To not go to work. Then there's life. Life throws us these curve balls on a daily basis. Some small and some big, but there are always life variables daily. We are lucky. We get to choose how to deal with these variables. You get to control everything. I've been thinking a lot about attitude. There are for the most part two distinct types of people in the world. The negative and the positive. I am a positive person. Yes I get down but I don't stay there for long and I try to find the good in everything, even the really shitty stuff. I don't always get to the silver lining right away but I do get there. If something bad happens it's your choice to stay angry, sad or upset. No one else can make you feel that way. It's a hard thing to accept the responsibility that comes from being your own decision maker. To take ownership that all your thoughts and actions lie solely within yourself. Because it doesn't just mean taking credit for the good decisions, it also means accepting that you made poor decisions as well. I made the decision to take the fitness and health journey as a good decision. I haven't lost the exact amount of weight I wanted to because I made some poor decisions. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or I could choose to use my prior disappointments as motivation to do better. I am choosing to use my failures as a springboard to success. It's a pretty powerful thing knowing that I have the power to shape my own destiny. My thought for all of you today is choose to do better. Choose to move forward. Choose to be happy. Take yourself wherever it is that you want to go. Use your past misses as fuel to aim for the next target. You can do it! I know I can. :)  Everyday you gotta find that PMA.....
 

Addicted to You

First I want to say a very Happy Birthday to me best mate Emily. :) The results are in.....after the first week of the Stripped Challenge I'm down 1.5 inches. That's actually pretty remarkable considering that I was a little loose this weekend with my diet plan. But it's definitely motivation and I'm more amped than ever to do this and to push myself as far as I can go. It feels really good to be able to do a lot of the exercises that 4 months ago I would have never thought possible. It really empowering to know that I can do over 100 push ups.

Today I was having a conversation with Nycole about addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People always equate addiction to drugs or alcohol. But addiction is a sneaky thing. It doesn't just exist within the confines of substance abuse. They say that addiction is hereditary. You are predisposed to an addictive personality. I am one of these people. Addiction runs on all sides of my family and goes back for many generations. On my Father's side my Great-Grandfather was killed by a milk truck. Which he stepped in front of because he was drunk and walking home from the bar. It's semi-funny but kinda sad. He had cirrhosis of the liver and was in bad shape. Both of my Dad's parents died of complications due to alcoholism. My Uncle died of a drug overdose. My other Uncle died of Aids but also had a drug and alcohol problem. I preface this next statement by saying that I love and respect my Father greatly. He means the world to me. But he too has had issues with alcohol. The list goes on and on in that gene line. On my Mother's side my Grandmother ran away at 16 because of her alcoholic mother only to suffer the same fate. My Grandfather went through his share of problems. My Uncle was so drunk and pilled out that he left a cigarette burning and blew himself and his trailer up. My Aunt has suffered from drug addiction. My brother is a pot head. All of that being said, it's not a death sentence. It's not a reason to be a victim. I know that I have an addictive personality. I never got into drugs because I knew that it's a very slippery slope. I love shoes. I love whiskey. I love sex. I keep these all in check at all times. It turns out though that I also have an addiction to food. It wasn't till recently though that I realized I have an addiction to food. I use it to make me feel better. It's my emotional crutch. I look for that rush of comfort and bliss when I am stressed out. It's an escape. For a moment I feel better. Till I feel worse. Then you eat another bite because you look for that rush again. Then you've eaten the whole double cheeseburger and large fries and you feel like shit. I'm a salty not a sweet person so it's all fatty sodium riddled food. I have an addiction. Fortunately (?) it only comes out when I am upset. I usually eat pretty clean and try to make good decisions. Because of this blog and Taryn and the challenge I've been trying to be a lot better. That means cutting out the emotional eating. The last few weeks it's been really hard not to get that instant "high" when I am stressed out, or sad, or angry. I am trying to replace the eating with exercise but exercise doesn't have the instant results or rush of gratification. It's been difficult. I slip, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I am learning self control and how to replace food with exercise and other non-edible outlets. I'm lucky. I caught it before it was too late but believe me I was right on the cusp and I didn't even know it. I'm grateful that God has brought people into my life to give me insight and to divert what might be my destructive path. We all have our challenges but it's how we choose to respond to those challenges that shapes who we are. I am not a victim and genetic predisposition is not an excuse to throw your life away. With the help of some pretty great people I will overcome this and I will be stronger and better for it.

Back In The Saddle Again

Today was Jack's first day of school and he's now in the 2nd grade. Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday he was a little nugget in my arms. I was listening to the Jason Ellis show on Sirius radio today and they were talking about Jessica Simpson and the baby weight that she has yet to lose. I won't get into their whole conversation (it was funny but pretty rude) but Jason made a really good point. A girl called in and said that she was overweight and it was because she was lazy and ate horribly. He told her that she needs to stop thinking of herself as a fat person because the more she tells herself that the more okay it is to be that way. He said she needs to stop being lazy, eat better and get her butt in shape. (In not quite those words.) He made a point that the women who bounce back after pregnancy and lose the weight are the women who take care of themselves and their body while they are pregnant. He was kind of jerk but he made some really good points and it got me thinking about the way I think about myself. I have to start adjusting my thinking and stop allowing myself to be fat. 

It's amazing how much eating and exercise can affect your mood. As per my last post I got a little sidetracked this weekend and up until I went to Crave today for boot camp I was in a rather unpleasant mood. But after a good dinner and a hard work out (over 100 push ups, sit ups and jump squats) I feel a lot better. I am finally starting to see and feel that connection. When I got home an counted how many push ups I did I was kinda proud of myself. 6 months ago I couldn't even do 5. I think I'm getting to the point where I can tell myself on those days that I don't want to work out that I will feel so much better if I do. And truly believe it! Ha ha. PMA everyday!

Today I made it to the grocery store and got all stocked up for the Stripped Challenge. I got lots of fresh veggies and organic fish and chicken. For dinner tonight I made the Tuscan Chicken and it was pretty good. I marinated the chicken in Walden Farms calorie free dressing and roasted them in the oven at 375 for 1/2 an hour. Steamed some green beans and put it all on top of a cup of spinach with a roma tomato and a little extra dressing. I know it's supposed to be a plated meal but after being vegan for so long, I like to eat salads so I sort of tricked my brain. :) These Walden Farm dressings are awesome. I got mine at Sprouts and they have a ton of flavors. They are a little on the higher side with sodium so use carefully. But they taste great. Highly recommended. The whole dinner was pretty yum and I'm glad that I will be able to survive on this menu. I would also like to state that I spent $60 on food for the week for 3 people. My son didn't want salad so I substituted mushroom risoto for him from Trader Joe's. I had my lovely friend Elisa make me a turkey wrap while at Sprouts and that made for a filling lunch. It was just turkey, fresh veggies, deli mustard and a little avo in a whole wheat tortilla. I try to keep reminded myself that food is not comfort, food is fuel. I have a big day tomorrow so off to bed I go....

Summer's Over...

What a great labor day weekend. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to summer and hello to fall. First off I would like to say that Taryn was absolutely right. I gave up Diet Coke last week and in 4 days I dropped a 1/2 inch from my waist and thigh. Woo! We did this beach boot camp on Saturday that kicked my butt but it was really cool that I was able to do it. It was a good weekend filled with good friends and good times and I have a truly blessed life.

We started the stripped challenge on Saturday and that made the holiday weekend a little rough. I tried to make the best decisions but stumbled a little. I got sunburned really really badly on Sunday which caused me to miss boot camp yesterday so that was really frustrating. I am going to try to do boot camp today but I have to admit I am in a lot of pain. My scalp, chest, back and arms are fried. The idea of sweating and getting hot is making me really nervous right now. I feel like I should at least go and try though because I need to push myself as hard as I can even though it would be so much easier to sit on the couch painless. All I can do is try right?

I had a bad day today and it's hard to not just disappear into junk food and my bed. I know that working out will make me feel better. I know that it's what I need to do to meet my goals. I didn't walk yesterday because sunlight is excruciating and I know that I need to get some sort of workout. I really wish I was one of those people that loves working out and that I didn't have to push myself. I know that the more I exercise the better I will be and the more my body will crave it. It's just hard waiting for that to kick in. All I can do is keep trying everyday. Weight loss is a marathon not a sprint. 

Tomorrow morning I will be going to the grocery store and getting myself prepared for the challenge. I'm just trying to make it through the end of today.