So we had our weekly weigh in yesterday for the Stripped challenge. I am proud to say that I won this week with a total loss of 2.5 inches. So for the challenge so far I am down 4 inches. Woo. It was such a good feeling and it was nice to finally see some of the hard work paying off. I have been really trying to focus on getting my eating habits in check. I've been sticking to lean proteins, fresh veggies and good carbs. Well for the most part. :) I've been the most proud of myself for not stress eating. It's been really hard but after getting measured this week I am so much more motivated to keep going and to work harder.
Life has been throwing me a lot of curve balls lately and my stress is at an all time high. I suffer from anxiety (like diagnosed get her on crazy pills anxiety) but lately as overwhelmed as I've been emotionally (hence the sporadic posts) it hasn't gotten as bad as it has before. I think that exercise is a good part of that reason. I am "stress eating" less and less and finding healthy alternatives to channel my stress. I still have my bad days. If we're being honest my life is sort of falling apart. I'm trying to hold it together but don't we all? I'm not even taking it day by day right now, I'm taking it minute by minute. I know we've all been there. I know there is hope and I know that God will carry me when I need it. This is only temporary. For the first time though, I am finding that I have a greater desire to work out when I am struggling. It's giving me a positive thing to focus on in this sea of chaos. I have something good to work towards that can't get taken away from me and it's one of the only things that the more I do it, the better I feel. It might just be my saving grace.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Choices
"In every single thing you do, you are choosing a direction.
Your life is a product of choices."
Dr. Kathleen Hall
We are all a product of the choices we have made. Good, bad or indifferent. Every moment of everyday we are making choices. You choose to get out of bed. To shower. What to wear. To go to work. To not go to work. Then there's life. Life throws us these curve balls on a daily basis. Some small and some big, but there are always life variables daily. We are lucky. We get to choose how to deal with these variables. You get to control everything. I've been thinking a lot about attitude. There are for the most part two distinct types of people in the world. The negative and the positive. I am a positive person. Yes I get down but I don't stay there for long and I try to find the good in everything, even the really shitty stuff. I don't always get to the silver lining right away but I do get there. If something bad happens it's your choice to stay angry, sad or upset. No one else can make you feel that way. It's a hard thing to accept the responsibility that comes from being your own decision maker. To take ownership that all your thoughts and actions lie solely within yourself. Because it doesn't just mean taking credit for the good decisions, it also means accepting that you made poor decisions as well. I made the decision to take the fitness and health journey as a good decision. I haven't lost the exact amount of weight I wanted to because I made some poor decisions. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or I could choose to use my prior disappointments as motivation to do better. I am choosing to use my failures as a springboard to success. It's a pretty powerful thing knowing that I have the power to shape my own destiny. My thought for all of you today is choose to do better. Choose to move forward. Choose to be happy. Take yourself wherever it is that you want to go. Use your past misses as fuel to aim for the next target. You can do it! I know I can. :) Everyday you gotta find that PMA.....
Dr. Kathleen Hall
We are all a product of the choices we have made. Good, bad or indifferent. Every moment of everyday we are making choices. You choose to get out of bed. To shower. What to wear. To go to work. To not go to work. Then there's life. Life throws us these curve balls on a daily basis. Some small and some big, but there are always life variables daily. We are lucky. We get to choose how to deal with these variables. You get to control everything. I've been thinking a lot about attitude. There are for the most part two distinct types of people in the world. The negative and the positive. I am a positive person. Yes I get down but I don't stay there for long and I try to find the good in everything, even the really shitty stuff. I don't always get to the silver lining right away but I do get there. If something bad happens it's your choice to stay angry, sad or upset. No one else can make you feel that way. It's a hard thing to accept the responsibility that comes from being your own decision maker. To take ownership that all your thoughts and actions lie solely within yourself. Because it doesn't just mean taking credit for the good decisions, it also means accepting that you made poor decisions as well. I made the decision to take the fitness and health journey as a good decision. I haven't lost the exact amount of weight I wanted to because I made some poor decisions. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or I could choose to use my prior disappointments as motivation to do better. I am choosing to use my failures as a springboard to success. It's a pretty powerful thing knowing that I have the power to shape my own destiny. My thought for all of you today is choose to do better. Choose to move forward. Choose to be happy. Take yourself wherever it is that you want to go. Use your past misses as fuel to aim for the next target. You can do it! I know I can. :) Everyday you gotta find that PMA.....
Monday, September 10, 2012
Addicted to You
First I want to say a very Happy Birthday to me best mate Emily. :) The results are in.....after the first week of the Stripped Challenge I'm down 1.5 inches. That's actually pretty remarkable considering that I was a little loose this weekend with my diet plan. But it's definitely motivation and I'm more amped than ever to do this and to push myself as far as I can go. It feels really good to be able to do a lot of the exercises that 4 months ago I would have never thought possible. It really empowering to know that I can do over 100 push ups.
Today I was having a conversation with Nycole about addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People always equate addiction to drugs or alcohol. But addiction is a sneaky thing. It doesn't just exist within the confines of substance abuse. They say that addiction is hereditary. You are predisposed to an addictive personality. I am one of these people. Addiction runs on all sides of my family and goes back for many generations. On my Father's side my Great-Grandfather was killed by a milk truck. Which he stepped in front of because he was drunk and walking home from the bar. It's semi-funny but kinda sad. He had cirrhosis of the liver and was in bad shape. Both of my Dad's parents died of complications due to alcoholism. My Uncle died of a drug overdose. My other Uncle died of Aids but also had a drug and alcohol problem. I preface this next statement by saying that I love and respect my Father greatly. He means the world to me. But he too has had issues with alcohol. The list goes on and on in that gene line. On my Mother's side my Grandmother ran away at 16 because of her alcoholic mother only to suffer the same fate. My Grandfather went through his share of problems. My Uncle was so drunk and pilled out that he left a cigarette burning and blew himself and his trailer up. My Aunt has suffered from drug addiction. My brother is a pot head. All of that being said, it's not a death sentence. It's not a reason to be a victim. I know that I have an addictive personality. I never got into drugs because I knew that it's a very slippery slope. I love shoes. I love whiskey. I love sex. I keep these all in check at all times. It turns out though that I also have an addiction to food. It wasn't till recently though that I realized I have an addiction to food. I use it to make me feel better. It's my emotional crutch. I look for that rush of comfort and bliss when I am stressed out. It's an escape. For a moment I feel better. Till I feel worse. Then you eat another bite because you look for that rush again. Then you've eaten the whole double cheeseburger and large fries and you feel like shit. I'm a salty not a sweet person so it's all fatty sodium riddled food. I have an addiction. Fortunately (?) it only comes out when I am upset. I usually eat pretty clean and try to make good decisions. Because of this blog and Taryn and the challenge I've been trying to be a lot better. That means cutting out the emotional eating. The last few weeks it's been really hard not to get that instant "high" when I am stressed out, or sad, or angry. I am trying to replace the eating with exercise but exercise doesn't have the instant results or rush of gratification. It's been difficult. I slip, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I am learning self control and how to replace food with exercise and other non-edible outlets. I'm lucky. I caught it before it was too late but believe me I was right on the cusp and I didn't even know it. I'm grateful that God has brought people into my life to give me insight and to divert what might be my destructive path. We all have our challenges but it's how we choose to respond to those challenges that shapes who we are. I am not a victim and genetic predisposition is not an excuse to throw your life away. With the help of some pretty great people I will overcome this and I will be stronger and better for it.
Today I was having a conversation with Nycole about addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People always equate addiction to drugs or alcohol. But addiction is a sneaky thing. It doesn't just exist within the confines of substance abuse. They say that addiction is hereditary. You are predisposed to an addictive personality. I am one of these people. Addiction runs on all sides of my family and goes back for many generations. On my Father's side my Great-Grandfather was killed by a milk truck. Which he stepped in front of because he was drunk and walking home from the bar. It's semi-funny but kinda sad. He had cirrhosis of the liver and was in bad shape. Both of my Dad's parents died of complications due to alcoholism. My Uncle died of a drug overdose. My other Uncle died of Aids but also had a drug and alcohol problem. I preface this next statement by saying that I love and respect my Father greatly. He means the world to me. But he too has had issues with alcohol. The list goes on and on in that gene line. On my Mother's side my Grandmother ran away at 16 because of her alcoholic mother only to suffer the same fate. My Grandfather went through his share of problems. My Uncle was so drunk and pilled out that he left a cigarette burning and blew himself and his trailer up. My Aunt has suffered from drug addiction. My brother is a pot head. All of that being said, it's not a death sentence. It's not a reason to be a victim. I know that I have an addictive personality. I never got into drugs because I knew that it's a very slippery slope. I love shoes. I love whiskey. I love sex. I keep these all in check at all times. It turns out though that I also have an addiction to food. It wasn't till recently though that I realized I have an addiction to food. I use it to make me feel better. It's my emotional crutch. I look for that rush of comfort and bliss when I am stressed out. It's an escape. For a moment I feel better. Till I feel worse. Then you eat another bite because you look for that rush again. Then you've eaten the whole double cheeseburger and large fries and you feel like shit. I'm a salty not a sweet person so it's all fatty sodium riddled food. I have an addiction. Fortunately (?) it only comes out when I am upset. I usually eat pretty clean and try to make good decisions. Because of this blog and Taryn and the challenge I've been trying to be a lot better. That means cutting out the emotional eating. The last few weeks it's been really hard not to get that instant "high" when I am stressed out, or sad, or angry. I am trying to replace the eating with exercise but exercise doesn't have the instant results or rush of gratification. It's been difficult. I slip, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. I am learning self control and how to replace food with exercise and other non-edible outlets. I'm lucky. I caught it before it was too late but believe me I was right on the cusp and I didn't even know it. I'm grateful that God has brought people into my life to give me insight and to divert what might be my destructive path. We all have our challenges but it's how we choose to respond to those challenges that shapes who we are. I am not a victim and genetic predisposition is not an excuse to throw your life away. With the help of some pretty great people I will overcome this and I will be stronger and better for it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Back In The Saddle Again
Today was Jack's first day of school and he's now in the 2nd grade. Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday he was a little nugget in my arms. I was listening to the Jason Ellis show on Sirius radio today and they were talking about Jessica Simpson and the baby weight that she has yet to lose. I won't get into their whole conversation (it was funny but pretty rude) but Jason made a really good point. A girl called in and said that she was overweight and it was because she was lazy and ate horribly. He told her that she needs to stop thinking of herself as a fat person because the more she tells herself that the more okay it is to be that way. He said she needs to stop being lazy, eat better and get her butt in shape. (In not quite those words.) He made a point that the women who bounce back after pregnancy and lose the weight are the women who take care of themselves and their body while they are pregnant. He was kind of jerk but he made some really good points and it got me thinking about the way I think about myself. I have to start adjusting my thinking and stop allowing myself to be fat.
It's amazing how much eating and exercise can affect your mood. As per my last post I got a little sidetracked this weekend and up until I went to Crave today for boot camp I was in a rather unpleasant mood. But after a good dinner and a hard work out (over 100 push ups, sit ups and jump squats) I feel a lot better. I am finally starting to see and feel that connection. When I got home an counted how many push ups I did I was kinda proud of myself. 6 months ago I couldn't even do 5. I think I'm getting to the point where I can tell myself on those days that I don't want to work out that I will feel so much better if I do. And truly believe it! Ha ha. PMA everyday!
Today I made it to the grocery store and got all stocked up for the Stripped Challenge. I got lots of fresh veggies and organic fish and chicken. For dinner tonight I made the Tuscan Chicken and it was pretty good. I marinated the chicken in Walden Farms calorie free dressing and roasted them in the oven at 375 for 1/2 an hour. Steamed some green beans and put it all on top of a cup of spinach with a roma tomato and a little extra dressing. I know it's supposed to be a plated meal but after being vegan for so long, I like to eat salads so I sort of tricked my brain. :) These Walden Farm dressings are awesome. I got mine at Sprouts and they have a ton of flavors. They are a little on the higher side with sodium so use carefully. But they taste great. Highly recommended. The whole dinner was pretty yum and I'm glad that I will be able to survive on this menu. I would also like to state that I spent $60 on food for the week for 3 people. My son didn't want salad so I substituted mushroom risoto for him from Trader Joe's. I had my lovely friend Elisa make me a turkey wrap while at Sprouts and that made for a filling lunch. It was just turkey, fresh veggies, deli mustard and a little avo in a whole wheat tortilla. I try to keep reminded myself that food is not comfort, food is fuel. I have a big day tomorrow so off to bed I go....
It's amazing how much eating and exercise can affect your mood. As per my last post I got a little sidetracked this weekend and up until I went to Crave today for boot camp I was in a rather unpleasant mood. But after a good dinner and a hard work out (over 100 push ups, sit ups and jump squats) I feel a lot better. I am finally starting to see and feel that connection. When I got home an counted how many push ups I did I was kinda proud of myself. 6 months ago I couldn't even do 5. I think I'm getting to the point where I can tell myself on those days that I don't want to work out that I will feel so much better if I do. And truly believe it! Ha ha. PMA everyday!
Today I made it to the grocery store and got all stocked up for the Stripped Challenge. I got lots of fresh veggies and organic fish and chicken. For dinner tonight I made the Tuscan Chicken and it was pretty good. I marinated the chicken in Walden Farms calorie free dressing and roasted them in the oven at 375 for 1/2 an hour. Steamed some green beans and put it all on top of a cup of spinach with a roma tomato and a little extra dressing. I know it's supposed to be a plated meal but after being vegan for so long, I like to eat salads so I sort of tricked my brain. :) These Walden Farm dressings are awesome. I got mine at Sprouts and they have a ton of flavors. They are a little on the higher side with sodium so use carefully. But they taste great. Highly recommended. The whole dinner was pretty yum and I'm glad that I will be able to survive on this menu. I would also like to state that I spent $60 on food for the week for 3 people. My son didn't want salad so I substituted mushroom risoto for him from Trader Joe's. I had my lovely friend Elisa make me a turkey wrap while at Sprouts and that made for a filling lunch. It was just turkey, fresh veggies, deli mustard and a little avo in a whole wheat tortilla. I try to keep reminded myself that food is not comfort, food is fuel. I have a big day tomorrow so off to bed I go....
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Summer's Over...
What a great labor day weekend. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to summer and hello to fall. First off I would like to say that Taryn was absolutely right. I gave up Diet Coke last week and in 4 days I dropped a 1/2 inch from my waist and thigh. Woo! We did this beach boot camp on Saturday that kicked my butt but it was really cool that I was able to do it. It was a good weekend filled with good friends and good times and I have a truly blessed life.
We started the stripped challenge on Saturday and that made the holiday weekend a little rough. I tried to make the best decisions but stumbled a little. I got sunburned really really badly on Sunday which caused me to miss boot camp yesterday so that was really frustrating. I am going to try to do boot camp today but I have to admit I am in a lot of pain. My scalp, chest, back and arms are fried. The idea of sweating and getting hot is making me really nervous right now. I feel like I should at least go and try though because I need to push myself as hard as I can even though it would be so much easier to sit on the couch painless. All I can do is try right?
I had a bad day today and it's hard to not just disappear into junk food and my bed. I know that working out will make me feel better. I know that it's what I need to do to meet my goals. I didn't walk yesterday because sunlight is excruciating and I know that I need to get some sort of workout. I really wish I was one of those people that loves working out and that I didn't have to push myself. I know that the more I exercise the better I will be and the more my body will crave it. It's just hard waiting for that to kick in. All I can do is keep trying everyday. Weight loss is a marathon not a sprint.
Tomorrow morning I will be going to the grocery store and getting myself prepared for the challenge. I'm just trying to make it through the end of today.
We started the stripped challenge on Saturday and that made the holiday weekend a little rough. I tried to make the best decisions but stumbled a little. I got sunburned really really badly on Sunday which caused me to miss boot camp yesterday so that was really frustrating. I am going to try to do boot camp today but I have to admit I am in a lot of pain. My scalp, chest, back and arms are fried. The idea of sweating and getting hot is making me really nervous right now. I feel like I should at least go and try though because I need to push myself as hard as I can even though it would be so much easier to sit on the couch painless. All I can do is try right?
I had a bad day today and it's hard to not just disappear into junk food and my bed. I know that working out will make me feel better. I know that it's what I need to do to meet my goals. I didn't walk yesterday because sunlight is excruciating and I know that I need to get some sort of workout. I really wish I was one of those people that loves working out and that I didn't have to push myself. I know that the more I exercise the better I will be and the more my body will crave it. It's just hard waiting for that to kick in. All I can do is keep trying everyday. Weight loss is a marathon not a sprint.
Tomorrow morning I will be going to the grocery store and getting myself prepared for the challenge. I'm just trying to make it through the end of today.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I'm A Machine
Today was a win. I feel like I'm back to hitting my stride. Got up, walked/jogged 2 miles (still at 20 min miles) and made a healthy breakfast. We are going to call my standard breakfasts the Lesli scramble so I don't have to write it out every time. It's super easy. Here's the recipe:
Lesli Scramble
2 Crimini mushrooms (any kind will do)
2.5 cups of baby spinach
4 egg whites
1 Roma tomato
1 tbs Parmesan cheese
Cooking Spray
Spray a small skillet with cooking spray and heat on medium. Slice mushrooms and saute in pan until tender. (about 3 min) Add spinach and heat through. Add egg whites and scramble. Remove from heat and add Parmesan. Slice tomato and put on top or the side.
See? So easy! You can make them ahead of time and freeze as well. I usually add 8 oz of Naked Juice Green Machine.
For lunch I had a Caesar salad with 4 oz of grilled chicken breast. The dressing was egg and anchovy free. Dinner was steak salad. Mixed greens, pan seared steak (6oz) lite Caesar dressing, some shaved parm, diced tomato and avocado with some fresh squeezed lemon. So good and so easy. I stole the recipe from Taryn! Shhhh.....
Here comes the best part. Tonight at boot camp I ran. Well fast jogged. For a whole trip around the block! (I didn't run in front of the bar down the street due to my previous post.) I was super stoked on myself. I actually had a good/hard workout. I am super amped that I have more energy and I know it's not a coincidence that it happened at the same time that I am working out more, eating better and cutting out all the processed crap. I am in a better mood. It's so funny. We tell ourselves that what we're doing is good enough or that the extra fries or shake aren't going to make a difference but they totally do. I feel lighter body and soul. Weird. :)
Just a helpful tip, I find it easier to stay on track when I track my calories. I know, I know. Who has the time, I don't want to know, I hate counting calories. BUT......it really does help and this comes from a former anti-counter. I use the Daily Plate from www.livestrong.com because you can track just about anything and they have a whole fitness tracker. It's not entirely exact (If it says spinach has 1 gram of fat use your noggin) but use common sense and you'll be fine. For instance today I consumed 1350 calories today and burned 1270. If that doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't know what will. :) Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that I was a kick ass machine and that feels pretty good.
Lesli Scramble
2 Crimini mushrooms (any kind will do)
2.5 cups of baby spinach
4 egg whites
1 Roma tomato
1 tbs Parmesan cheese
Cooking Spray
Spray a small skillet with cooking spray and heat on medium. Slice mushrooms and saute in pan until tender. (about 3 min) Add spinach and heat through. Add egg whites and scramble. Remove from heat and add Parmesan. Slice tomato and put on top or the side.
See? So easy! You can make them ahead of time and freeze as well. I usually add 8 oz of Naked Juice Green Machine.
For lunch I had a Caesar salad with 4 oz of grilled chicken breast. The dressing was egg and anchovy free. Dinner was steak salad. Mixed greens, pan seared steak (6oz) lite Caesar dressing, some shaved parm, diced tomato and avocado with some fresh squeezed lemon. So good and so easy. I stole the recipe from Taryn! Shhhh.....
Here comes the best part. Tonight at boot camp I ran. Well fast jogged. For a whole trip around the block! (I didn't run in front of the bar down the street due to my previous post.) I was super stoked on myself. I actually had a good/hard workout. I am super amped that I have more energy and I know it's not a coincidence that it happened at the same time that I am working out more, eating better and cutting out all the processed crap. I am in a better mood. It's so funny. We tell ourselves that what we're doing is good enough or that the extra fries or shake aren't going to make a difference but they totally do. I feel lighter body and soul. Weird. :)
Just a helpful tip, I find it easier to stay on track when I track my calories. I know, I know. Who has the time, I don't want to know, I hate counting calories. BUT......it really does help and this comes from a former anti-counter. I use the Daily Plate from www.livestrong.com because you can track just about anything and they have a whole fitness tracker. It's not entirely exact (If it says spinach has 1 gram of fat use your noggin) but use common sense and you'll be fine. For instance today I consumed 1350 calories today and burned 1270. If that doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't know what will. :) Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that I was a kick ass machine and that feels pretty good.
She's Tricky
Today was a success! Got up early and went for a walk. Had egg whites with spinach, mushrooms, a Roma tomato and a tbs of shaved Parmesan. Tofurky and soy cheese sandwich on an Orowheat multigrain sandwich thin with a handful of fat free pretzels. Fear not, I have tiny hands so it was like 6. Dinner at Gypsy Den was a turkey melt with tomato, Mediterranean salad and a tiny scoop of sweat potato salad to taste. It was all so good. I had water and just a small taste of an Italian soda that the manager made me. I have re-motivated myself and I am stoked! I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friend Tori's wedding that I ordered a size smaller than what I measured at 3 months ago and it fit perfectly. That's awesome because hopefully by the time we set sail on October 21st I will have had to have had it re-sized.
Today was also my first day not having Diet Coke. As we all know I love Diet Coke and the idea of giving it up makes my soul cry. But I have decided to trick my brain and use reverse psychology on myself. You see I drink Jack and Diet's when I am out. If I give up Diet Coke I have nothing to drink my Jack with and I will not be able to order it. I am in fact cockblocking myself from well...myself. I'm pretty tricky. Ha ha. It was a tough day and I just felt tired from the lack of processed crap.
I am also going to try something new. They say that it takes 21 days to create a habit. So if you do something every day for 21 days you can create a habit. Taryn has informed me that in order to do well in the stripped challenge I need to up my cardio. So I am going to add cardio into my regimen everyday for 21 days with the hopes that by the end of the 21 days it will be a happy habit instead of a grueling chore.
Apparently I was so tired from the detoxing and good behavior that I feel asleep in the middle of writing this last night!
Today was also my first day not having Diet Coke. As we all know I love Diet Coke and the idea of giving it up makes my soul cry. But I have decided to trick my brain and use reverse psychology on myself. You see I drink Jack and Diet's when I am out. If I give up Diet Coke I have nothing to drink my Jack with and I will not be able to order it. I am in fact cockblocking myself from well...myself. I'm pretty tricky. Ha ha. It was a tough day and I just felt tired from the lack of processed crap.
I am also going to try something new. They say that it takes 21 days to create a habit. So if you do something every day for 21 days you can create a habit. Taryn has informed me that in order to do well in the stripped challenge I need to up my cardio. So I am going to add cardio into my regimen everyday for 21 days with the hopes that by the end of the 21 days it will be a happy habit instead of a grueling chore.
Apparently I was so tired from the detoxing and good behavior that I feel asleep in the middle of writing this last night!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Down the Rabbit Hole
I haven't had my kitchen for almost 2 weeks due to some technical difficulties. It's really hurt my waistline, bank account and goals. I have had to eat out for almost every meal for two weeks and it's completely caught up with me. I feel bloated and puffy and just weighed down. I tried to make good choices but you can't control food that other people make. Finally today I was able to go to the grocery store and I am super stoked. After boot camp I had chicken tacos made with a roasted skinless chicken breast, whole wheat tortillas, lettuce, tomato, peach salsa (so yum!) and a little avocado. For the first time in two weeks I could actually control everything I was eating. I got eggs so for breakfast I can have egg whites with spinach, tomatoes and mushrooms. Sandwich thins for Tofurky and soy cheese sandwiches with fruit for lunch. Dinner this week is steak salad with lots of veggies and fat free Caesar dressing, veggie burgers and steamed veggies, and stir fry with brown rice. I am actually pumped to eat well. I think it's going to help me both physically and mentally. I always try to think of food as fuel and the higher the octane the better the performance. I also need to start detoxing because the Stripped Challenge starts this weekend and because this weekend I didn't just fall off the wagon I took a flying leap.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This
Today was a tough day. Like really tough. I had intended to accomplish all these tasks today. This morning I went to breakfast with Nycole and while there I had something happen that was totally unexpected and in less than 3 seconds my day was turned upside down. Let me give you a little back story. When I was 18 I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. I'm not going to get into all the details right now. It's not up for political or moral debate. I made the best decision possible for my son and I do not regret my decision. I gave him the best life that I could and recognizing that I was not in a place to raise a child is the greatest act of love I could have given him. It was an open adoption and I have known the adoptive mother since I was 14. I have only seen him once since the adoption and he was 2. He is now 15 years old and today I saw him and his adoptive mom while I was sitting there ordering my breakfast. My face went white and I felt like I was going throw up. I told Nycole we had to get our food to go, threw some money on the table and bolted to my car. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon trying to work through all my emotions on Nycole's couch. There's a lot of emotion that comes with the entire situation and let's just say 15 years of buried emotions came to the surface in under 3 seconds. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my couch trying to work through my everything I was feeling so alas nothing got accomplished. Honestly usually I would have eaten my emotions but fortunately (?) I had no appetite. I really didn't want to go to boot camp. Not gonna lie. But I thought that not going would make me feel guiltier and maybe working out my emotions would be better than eating them. So I went to boot camp and it was a good workout till we had to jog on a main street and then do 50 jumping jacks. I was so self conscious about my breasts and I got really discouraged. When I did the jumping jacks it was not only painful but embarrassing. Taryn sort of made a joke about it (and it was said out of jest and love not malice) and it took all the fight in me to just finish them. By the time I started the 2nd leg of jogging I was fighting back tears and chose to walk. That made me feel worse because I felt like I was letting myself down. Days like this it's really hard not to give up. Feeling so self conscious and intimidated it would be so much easier to quit and not go through the emotional and physical pain. But I am digging down as deep as I can to find my inner fight. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and I have to trust that this all a part of his master plan. Tomorrow will be a better day. But for tonight I am throwing in the towel.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Codename:Cake Pop
Let's just say that this weekend was super fun! Friday night was 80's night in Long Beach and all of the gym girls dressed up in full 80's attire and we rocked out. Now if you remember Taryn gave me the lock down and as of this morning I am breaking up with Jack Daniels. Le sigh. So I definitely broke up with my love in style this weekend. Saturday I got to see this really cool art show in LA and then it was off to see The Gabba Gabba Hey's who are this rad Ramone's cover band. I ate much better this weekend. Grilled fish tacos Friday night, veggie sushi Saturday night and an egg white omelette and veggie lasagna on Sunday. There was a little gourmet cheese and crackers Sunday afternoon but I'm not going to split hairs about it. At exactly 11:59 last night I had my last Jack Daniels. It's vodka soda city for this girl. Jack will be reserved for cheat days. Now in case you all are wondering, I do not drink everyday. In fact during the week I only drink water and one Diet Coke a day (that is the next beverage to be 86'd out of my life.) But I have a very social calendar and I do end up out on the weekends quiet a bit. So it's time to start making better choices.
So here's the frustrating part of today. My clothes are a little looser, I looked noticeably thinner according to Taryn, and basically my measurements stayed the same. Arms:15, Waist:50, Hips:50 and Thigh:24. I lost another inch in my legs. So at this rate I'm going to end up looking like a cake pop. Skinny ass legs and a round belly. It's kind of frustrating. So again the weight is coming off but from really weird places like my thigh and my feet. You hear that? My feet! I've gone down 1/2 a shoe size. That's exactly what every girl wants to hear...my what skinny feet you have. Sheesh. I keep telling myself that it's going to start coming off and that all my hard work is going to pay off but I lost a little wind out of my sail today. But tomorrow is a new day and the choice I make is to use this to propel myself forward and to fight harder. I want to make cake pops, not be one.
So here's the frustrating part of today. My clothes are a little looser, I looked noticeably thinner according to Taryn, and basically my measurements stayed the same. Arms:15, Waist:50, Hips:50 and Thigh:24. I lost another inch in my legs. So at this rate I'm going to end up looking like a cake pop. Skinny ass legs and a round belly. It's kind of frustrating. So again the weight is coming off but from really weird places like my thigh and my feet. You hear that? My feet! I've gone down 1/2 a shoe size. That's exactly what every girl wants to hear...my what skinny feet you have. Sheesh. I keep telling myself that it's going to start coming off and that all my hard work is going to pay off but I lost a little wind out of my sail today. But tomorrow is a new day and the choice I make is to use this to propel myself forward and to fight harder. I want to make cake pops, not be one.
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